Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
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job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!