women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
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Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.