Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
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My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know