Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
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I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
I forgot how to panic. Help
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall