Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
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Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
the greatest twitter interaction
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works