doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
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I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super