My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
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Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that