If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
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[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.