“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
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If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.