Playdough smells better than other philosophers
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I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Banderslack Clamberdorch
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.