American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
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if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.