When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
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Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
“You drive, I’m tired.”
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still