Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
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If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
That’s it.I’m out.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes