I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
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i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
😂🤣😂🤣
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.