sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
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Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
🙂🙃🥹
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
sin harder.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Tell me you get it…🤣