That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
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ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater