there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
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[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.