COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
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My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
i prefer mine room temperature.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
This came to me in a dream.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
s
oc
i
a
l
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
My new favorite headline
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.