Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
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Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.