Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
You Might Also Like
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Who says great literature is dead?