Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
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Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
She: I like Cats
He:
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”