you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
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*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
2023 was just a warmup
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.