Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
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My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Yes, but it was never about money
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.