A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
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My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?