If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
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A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice