wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
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My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
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My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
reduce, reuse, recycle
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.