INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
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The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Guys, I found it.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.