*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
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People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?