Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
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I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Love this one 😂🧟
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.