I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
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Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
This is the coolest video you will see today.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?