Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
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Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
This could be us but you eatin’
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.