*puts my mental health in rice
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PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.