Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
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me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us