waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
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[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live