Your honor these allegations are
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Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.