Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
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[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Wise advice
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
“Huge”.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.