I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
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Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*