lot going on here, legally speaking.
You Might Also Like
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.