I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
You Might Also Like
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
is nasa ok
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”