ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
You Might Also Like
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
🔦🌙👣
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
This one’s “Alex”.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.