This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
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Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Cat.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.