if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
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ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Wikigenius
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.