I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
You Might Also Like
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]