Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
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Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
This probably isn’t good
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.