Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
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Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year