Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
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10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?