If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
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[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’