if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
You Might Also Like
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys