5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
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Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Woke up against my better judgement again
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way