God has left this place
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Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
it is time once again
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this